Why?

Some of you will understand. Others may not. But I am going into an irregularly scheduled period of...shall we say...semi hopelessness and retreat. I can't help it. With a monumental effort, I can control my decisions. Whether to give in, whether to ride it out, whether to do or not do a variety of things. But it's all against the forces of...what?...the mind?...the spirit (small s)?...imbalanced chemicals?...some outside unseen influenses? Likely, I'm guessing from experience, it's a combination of all of them.

It's in these times that it's hard for me to reflect on anything but the struggle of life. The pains and sorrows and regrets. It's hard to look forward with an eye single to anything but despair. It's so hard.

And it's these feelings that I'd like to record so that people reading this will know that I am not always this funny ha ha guy who brings others up. God bless Cindy. I can't describe it. Just God bless her.

But I sat her tonight, trying to write a poem which accurately described my feelings right now and I got several hard fought lines down with a unique rhythm and rhyme style, and something creeped up on me and I was terrified. I thought to save the file and come to it later and the feeling got worse. So I deleted it and put on some hymns on itunes. I am listening to "I Feel My Savior's Love".

One line in particular hits me.

"He knows I will follow Him, give all my life to him."

I hope he knows this. I hope he saw that I wiped out that which he just told me to delete. I hope he was watching me to see that I turned on the hymns and read in the scriptures. I hope he comes to me as he so often has done in happier moments. I hope he does.

I hope he knows that tomorrow I have a lesson priesthood/relief society on him, on a story from the Old Testament which typifies him, which is a shadow of him. I hope he sends his Spirit to brings souls to Christ tomorrow.

I am also so humbled now. I am beyone humbled. I am sorrowed. I got a call from sister in the ward, who is my friend, who was calling to notify me that I have sorely offended a family in the ward. She said she called to let me know that she knew that I never meant to do so, and told the family that. But they are still offended. And they won't come to me themselves. They would rather be offended. I am so sorry for this, and why does it have to come now?

Help me, God. Help me. See me. See into my heart and know that I am so far from perfect. Sometimes I am even far from good. But don't give up on me. I'm trying, even in despair and in the suburbs of hell, to be good, to find Christ in everything. Let me find him. Know that, despite what happens to me or my loved ones, I will never deny you. I will always search for you. I will always be here, waiting, watching, listening. Hoping, when I can.